My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Cinematography is my passion
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
