me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
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Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I love the honesty
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding