(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.