My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
