My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met