My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.