My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
