Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.