My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting