My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
buying dead houseplants to save time
That took me a moment.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers