My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.