My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
The three genders
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.