My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”