My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
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My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
went fishing caught a bass
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
why I oughta
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.