My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.