Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii