Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

So true for me

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.