Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Ape together strong

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.