My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
This is a sub tweet
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist