Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Favourite diary entry ever

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

This meal prepping shit easy

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes