My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
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I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
