Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?