My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?