My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
greetings!
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*