My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.