My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please