My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
This billboard speaks to me
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.