My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
This is my brand.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage