My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
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Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.