My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
WTF
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
