My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.