My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.