My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
それは草
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong