Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.