Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*