My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line