Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL