I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*loses you in a crowd*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad