@Miniwheats2012

My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.

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@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@TJ_TheMenace

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

@OctopusCaveman

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

@KentWGraham

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

@rikpayne

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

@bitchofficially

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

@Darlainky

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

@jenspyra

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad