Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?