(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
In space, no one can hear…
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?