Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

early stone age tool

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.