Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

These are my emotional support Pringles.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Waiting for the Charmin

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?