Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

When you’re Kinky but poor

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

me, too, girl. me, too.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.