(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’