Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.