Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will avenge u mr van gogh

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

I just want an internship man

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

me after eating Cheetos

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.