My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
and now we wait
Guantanamo Bae
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations