Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.