Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby