My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
You Might Also Like
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Story of my life…..
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
his wife is probably gonna see that
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!