My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
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me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.