Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

War & Peace

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”