5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.
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[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
“Say it. SAY IT.”
*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.