@markleggett

My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.

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@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

@jimmy_sharpe

[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

@WarningPuzzle

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.

@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.