My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.

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5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands


[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted


*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer


Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.


[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30


A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life


Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.