Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
If you know, you know
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
This is my emotional support online shopping cart