Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants