My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me when my alarm goes off
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.