My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you鈥檇 think they didn鈥檛 already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It鈥檚 kids. I have kids.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
This is the greatest and I won鈥檛 hear otherwise.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo鈥檚 school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try