Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

This is what makes twitter great

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor