My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
