Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.