My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Yeah. This was me today.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”