My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.

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Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?


1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money


[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]


Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*


Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.


Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys


If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.


If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.


Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.