Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Maybe he went out for the knight?
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.