IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*