I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Waiting for the Charmin
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.