My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Love this guy
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Thursday Thought.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks