My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
She was REALLY feeling it.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine