Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Hey! This isn’t my car!