My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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Boating season is upon us.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
on da cob, we all corn
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally