Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you