Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?