My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣