My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Cat or sheep
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m putting together a team
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.