My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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who wore it better?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.