My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”