Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

I mean…but I did

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Godspeed, John Glenn

based al yankovic

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper