My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Better luck next time champ
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.