Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

never forget

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.