Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

the short answer to this question

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Man these end times are taking forever

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.