My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.