My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Dumple
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.