My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
men are simple creatures
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*