My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s