My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Print is alive and well!!!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.